Friday, September 02, 2005

Arachnophobia Part II

They really are out to get me.

Billy worked his 24 yesterday which meant that this morning was my turn to drag my tail out of bed at 3 am and go shove newspapers out my car window into little plastic tubes. Not the worst job in the world, especially on a beautiful morning.

I am driving along, folding and poking papers, chatting with myself (hey, no one else listens to me and a girl has to have some conversation at times), and trying to ignore the spiders on the tubes, when I notice a spider On The Hood Of My Car! On MY Side!! (You can never use too many capitals or exclamation points when dealing with spiders).
This, of course, took my complete attention away from the road and onto my hood.
I could have run over an entire family of rabbits and not noticed. Or raccons. An elk, even. Not a badger, though.

All of my attention was now focused on The Spider.
I had to watch it, because if I took my eyes off of it the spider would go somewhere I did not want to, closer to me.
Which it began to do anyway.
At every tube, The Spider crawled a bit further toward the windshield, and a little closer to the edge of the car by my window.

My OPEN window.

So I poked papers out the window, watching The Spider so I could thwart any sudden attempts by it to leap at me (like I would do something besides die of fright should that happen) and rolling the window up between tubes. I just knew that a breeze was going to fling that sucker at me when I started the long drive down the main road to the next street. And I realized that I could not go on like this, that I was going to have to Do Something. So at the next stop, which gets it's paper tossed on a porch, I take my rolled up paper and ease myself out of the car.

The Spider, which has come uncomfortably close to my window during our little jaunt, watches me, perhaps with a bit of suspicion beginning to cloud his evil little mind. I reach my arm out, he turns to face me, and I sweep my arm towards him, paper in hand.

I miss.
He grins. (No, I didn't See it. But I know.)

I thrust the paper out again and manage to sweep him off the car and.........

Doing a shuddery little dance that involves brushing myself off and turning in a circle, I quickly get back in the car and drive away to finish the route.

If you think that was the end of it, you do not know me at all.
I spent the rest of the morning waiting and worrying. Worrying that The Spider, being the Evil, Cunning, and Vengeful thing that he is, had attached himself to my car, at the last minute, shooting webs a la Spiderman, and was even now hitching a ride on the undercarriage of my Bonneville, chuckling to himself as he waited for the perfect moment to launch himself at my arm, picturing how terrified I will look and how loudly I will scream - just before I die of fright and plow into an elk down the road.

Because they really are out to get me.

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